I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

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I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

-- Mitch Hedberg

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I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wrong there. What happened? It spun out of control... Now it's worth eight, still says two. I miss the two. I could break a two.

-- Mitch Hedberg

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I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

-- Mitch Hedberg

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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

-- Mitch Hedberg

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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.

-- Mitch Hedberg

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