My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed.

Quotern

My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed.

-- Anonymous

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My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside – Made in Taiwan.

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I made my Facebook name Benefits, so when you add me now it says you’re friends with benefits.

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You’re telling me, a chicken fried this rice.

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You’re not getting older, you’re getting better. Happy Birthday!

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