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You’re telling me, a chicken fried this rice.
-- Anonymous
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People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.
-- Ellen DeGeneres
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Don’t text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don’t keep telling people what you’re doing. Also it lights up your big dumb face.
-- Louis C.K.
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The strawberry shampoo doesn’t taste as good as it smells.
-- Ayshu
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It’s funny how nobody notices all the good things you do until you don’t do them.
-- Anonymous
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People learn something every day, and a lot of times it’s that what they learned the day before was wrong.
-- Bill Vaughan
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