Dear heart, please stop getting involved in Everything. Your job is just to pump blood, So stick to it.

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Dear heart, please stop getting involved in Everything. Your job is just to pump blood, So stick to it.

-- Anonymous

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Life was meant for Best Friends and Good Adventures!

-- Ayshu

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My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes on tuesdays, I go Fridays.

-- Henry Youngman

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I want to sleep with you. I don’t mean have sex. I mean sleep together under…

-- Anonymous

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I choose to take good care of myself.

-- Ayshu

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I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then I said, ‘Does he bite?’ She said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?’ Liar.

-- Demetri Martin

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