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Sorry about those texts I sent you, last night, my phone was drunk.
-- Anonymous
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Old people at weddings always poke me and say you’re next so I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
-- Anonymous
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I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
-- Mitch Hedberg
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Men are like a deck of cards. You’ll find the occasional king, but most are jacks.
-- Laura Swenson
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He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t. – Victor Borge
-- Ayshu
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Making food: 1 hour. Eating food: 20 seconds. Washing dishes: never ending.
-- Anonymous
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